ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I can’t stop laughing at this