me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.