Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
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The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out