ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
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Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit