i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
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waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family