ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
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Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.