me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
You Might Also Like
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Best table by far
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?