[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Meow?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.