ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you