Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Not messing around
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me