Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
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Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
So sick of all these stupid rules
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?