Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
You Might Also Like
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer