GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon