Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.