I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here