my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
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I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Meowchelangelo
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?