If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
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My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Whisper out to librarians!
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere