Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
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ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.