Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
You Might Also Like
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.