Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m Sold!
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.