[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens