The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Ape together strong
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”