ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.