Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Doggies just call it style.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Is this you?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.