Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
dictator is short for richard potato
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.