Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Taking phone security to the next level.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.