Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Brands during Pride
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.