@slimmy_shady: Me: "Get me a newspaper."Friend: "Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad." Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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@trojansauce: BOSS: tell me about susanne ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away BOSS: you're a zoo keeper none of them should get away
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn’t you? 2: I’m too busy.
@mattgallo123: The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.