@slimmy_shady: Me: "Get me a newspaper."Friend: "Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad." Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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@putyoursisterd1: Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
@Lunatic_times: It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.
@skylerhanrath: If you want a medical degree, they're literally hanging on doctor's walls. Grab one.
@Jam453Lane: Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I'm drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.