Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Me trying to walk in a dream
Discuss
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
a badder mouse
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.