@slimmy_shady: Me: "Get me a newspaper."Friend: "Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad." Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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@eminmien: "Faster!" I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight. "I'm trying!" Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
@QwertyJones3: The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: what's the name of that girl you work with? ME: which girl? WIFE: the pretty one ME: I feel like this is a trap
@heykarlin: Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say "yeah, she left me for Charles Manson."