If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
knights of the ikea table
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)