Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
😍😂🥰😂😍
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
The honesty is refreshing
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears