ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch: