Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m having an out of money experience.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down