Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
You Might Also Like
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down