Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods