*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
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[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.