*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
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Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Nice try, poison.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.