ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.