ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.