one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
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Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
What about a To-Don’t List?
Oh deer
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you