Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.