Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
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getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.