me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.