KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
You Might Also Like
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
good for her
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill