When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
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no refunds
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.