wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle