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@ibid78: Me: "Goodnight Bed."
Bed: "New foam who dis?"
@thecrabbyhook: My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
@causticbob: The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
@HeyoShellz: My ex says he's dating someone new but according to his Instagram she's a sandwich
@Douchekevin: Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won't work.
I was married for 6 years.
@Reverend_Scott: Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Keep holding it...