ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
dutch is not a serious language
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation