My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
✌️
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun