Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
accurate
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.