Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
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I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
selfie game
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
doing some research
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?